Published by Jeremy on 6/06/2006 07:51:00 AM
Okay, so... I just dropped $5 on a new Kung-Fu DVD. Because I like the classic 1970s Hong Kong Kung-Fu films, damnit.
The DVD case had a picture on the front of Jack Long (Sai Ga) and Mark Long (Goon Mo). Two actors who have done some great work in some other Wu-Tang titles I've seen.
The case reads "Stars Jack and Mark Long do battle once again...!"
I'm sold. I watched it tonight at work.
Apparently the company that sells these DVDs really doesn't care what movie they put *inside* the box. (They're all pretty much the same anyway, really.) The Longs were not actually in this movie anywhere that I could find, and if they were in it somewhere (maybe hiding behind a potted plant) they never actually did battle.
All of the photographs on the cover and back of the DVD case... were not actually in the movie. Anywhere. The fights pictured are apparently from some *other* kung-fu film, which actually starred these two. And where they must have fought.
No, this was a different movie. Which featured a 12-year-old and her grandfather fighting vampires. Now, this could also be cool, until you remember that these aren't the Bram Stoker vampires,. These are chinese vampires. Which, if you aren't familiar with these vampires:
The requirement to be a Chinese Vampire is a robe, a silly red hat, and you have to hop like a bunny. (All Chinese Vampires hop. Supposedly from rigor mortis- since they can't move their arms or legs, they all have to move in a stiff bounce.) These vampires also have big wax fangs. Huge wax fangs. Like walrus tusks.
It is hard to be an intimidating villian when you hop everywhere. It isn't going to happen. I don't care how hardass your kung-fu is.
It does get better from here, though. Really. The "Labyrinth of Death" (the name of the movie) is a maze made from white bedsheets. Vampires are killed and "poof" into plastic bats and spiders. The movie ends with a Power Ranger style battle versus monsters in big foam suits, complete with pewpew lazerbeams.
So, basically... this kinda' sucked. But not in the good way.
The DVD case had a picture on the front of Jack Long (Sai Ga) and Mark Long (Goon Mo). Two actors who have done some great work in some other Wu-Tang titles I've seen.
The case reads "Stars Jack and Mark Long do battle once again...!"
I'm sold. I watched it tonight at work.
Apparently the company that sells these DVDs really doesn't care what movie they put *inside* the box. (They're all pretty much the same anyway, really.) The Longs were not actually in this movie anywhere that I could find, and if they were in it somewhere (maybe hiding behind a potted plant) they never actually did battle.
All of the photographs on the cover and back of the DVD case... were not actually in the movie. Anywhere. The fights pictured are apparently from some *other* kung-fu film, which actually starred these two. And where they must have fought.
No, this was a different movie. Which featured a 12-year-old and her grandfather fighting vampires. Now, this could also be cool, until you remember that these aren't the Bram Stoker vampires,. These are chinese vampires. Which, if you aren't familiar with these vampires:
The requirement to be a Chinese Vampire is a robe, a silly red hat, and you have to hop like a bunny. (All Chinese Vampires hop. Supposedly from rigor mortis- since they can't move their arms or legs, they all have to move in a stiff bounce.) These vampires also have big wax fangs. Huge wax fangs. Like walrus tusks. It is hard to be an intimidating villian when you hop everywhere. It isn't going to happen. I don't care how hardass your kung-fu is.
It does get better from here, though. Really. The "Labyrinth of Death" (the name of the movie) is a maze made from white bedsheets. Vampires are killed and "poof" into plastic bats and spiders. The movie ends with a Power Ranger style battle versus monsters in big foam suits, complete with pewpew lazerbeams.
So, basically... this kinda' sucked. But not in the good way.